you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
