If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
