Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
