Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
