So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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