Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
