shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
