i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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