Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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