Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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