wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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