every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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