my phone needs a breathalizer
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
