I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
