don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
