My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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