Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
