Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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