Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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