What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
