Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
