Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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