I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
