Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
