I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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