i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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