watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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