i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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