How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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