no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
