david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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