the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
