I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I have surprise drugs for everyone
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
