i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
ttyl tear gas
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
