i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
