I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize