Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
