If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I have already put on my inside pants.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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