Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
We smell like vodka and hangover
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