Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Quick, to the slutcave!
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
