oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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