I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
