If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
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