you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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