Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
