We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
