My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Randomize
