i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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