How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
