He asked to "fluff my boner.."
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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