you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
