Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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