Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
