It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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