I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
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