life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
