nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
