The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize