Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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